Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Welcome Back

I apologize for the long period of inactivity. I'm back and once again I have been blessed with another child. A beautiful baby girl. Born on June 28 and have been keeping me up for the past 30 days. The new baby have provided me with an opportunity to once again impact my world as well as leave my mark. I have a lot to talk about and ponder regarding new parenting, but this post I feel its more appropriate to say thanks to my wife or carrying, birthing and enduring the pains that go with this process. I have been able to be with her birth of all my children and with each one born a new admiration for her developed. I have always stated until your there to witness the birth of a child, you really don't understand-especially from a males perspective. It looks like it hurts, and from what my wife states-it does. I want to thank for giving me this opportunity and I love her dearly.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Me? Over Protective...

"Mom!.Your over protective! and always watching me".. I heard this more recently in my house. I find this quite interesting as at one time the statement was "Mom!..I'm bored won't you come play with me." And this coming from my tweener (child between the age of 11-14).

Seems with each day that pass, this child want of independence grows- which to me is a good thing. I want the child to develop, to mature, and wonder into the woods of life knowing that she has protectors at home. But in this time and age, with all the internet predators, cyber bullies, and people who are just plain weird, parents do have to be a little over protective with their children, Right? No Wrong.

I state No, because over-protection leads to under-protection. Let me explain. To over protect means to smother. To preemptive strike at anything that could possible go wrong. Example: So Sally wants to go to her friends house to play-No cause one, I don't know Sally, Sally's family, the neighbors in Sally Neighborhood, or What Sally's religious beliefs, what Sally's family routine (bedtime, bath time, etc). These unknowns will lead to harm to my child. And harm is bad so no Sally can't go. Sally will learn your thinking pattern, soon Sally will stop asking, and start creating either a way to go or a way not to go. Either way this stifles Sally's Social growth, which stifles her ability to judge people. We learn what "undesirables" (people who we do not like or desire to be around) are from our school career, and other social interaction. If the child only see and hear you, guess what you become-an undesirable. They will love and hate you, sounds confusing? Well it is, especially to a developing child. And once you become an undesirable, You can not protect your child.
Now I'm not saying to allow your child access to everything and everyone around them. But to allow the child an opportunity to wonder out, learn and come back home to process. Because, You want your children to always feel protected by you.

If you are doing this then..you might be over protective
1. If your child can not go to friend's house without you calling to "checking up on them" which is at least five times
2. If your idea of non-intrusive behavior is reading your child's emails, mail and diary without there knowledge so that you can see if they are talking to someone.
3. If your children can not have social relationship (boy or girl) without you freaking out.

There are many more that could be added to the list.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Blog Hop Friday!


Welcome to Blog Hop/Follow Friday! Hopefully we all will be able to meet some new friends and share in the joys and at times frustrations of parenthood! If this is your first time visiting my blog, I am here to offer a Common Sense Approach to rearing children. These approaches I have not only learned from being a parent myself but also from working in the Social Services field for almost a decade. I hope you will find some useful infomation during your visit here, drop me a comment and let me know what you think.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Your the Favorite and That's Why I don't Like You! Favoritism, A Big No No

Who's your favorite? I was once asked by my children. They all standing around looking awaiting my answer. I paused for only a few seconds and stated. No one. I'm my favorite. they look puzzled with the question of why on their faces. So I answered. I'm my favorite so that you can each have your favorites in life. This didn't help them much, but I left them there pondering the statement.

Do you have favorites with in your family? I find this quite troubling for the family structure if favoritism occurs. Regardless if the parent "thinks" the child won't know-they know and recognizes it quick if favoritism is shown. And believe me, it will be brought up when the time is right for the child. It usually shows it head when during an argument over something the child feels like it deserves. And to remedy this-don't have favorites.

Each child in your family deserve their own time with you as a parent. whether this is during homework, reading a book, play a game, or just listening to the child's day. This builds trust with the child who in turns bonds with you as the parent and strengthens the child security level that is needed for their foundation for self esteem. And if there is a favorite, then the other children can develop traits like envy, jealousy, strife, hatefulness, passive aggressiveness and other nasties that follow towards the favorite. They often pit themselves against each other and will not bond themselves. The closest most lasting relationship people have, in general, is with their siblings. And these relationships can either be positive or negative with the origin falling upon the caregivers rearing of them.

If you find yourself liking one child more, Quit It! Look at each child individually for each child was born individually, developed into individual persons and want to be treated as such. They want the attention of their parent and want to feel just as special as their sibling. It's nothing wrong with taking one child to the store and leaving the others behind, as long as you take each child. Buying for one child and not the other child for their special day-that's fine also. The day is special to that child and everyone should celebrate that day.

A few ways to know if you have a favorite;

1. If you can't wait till the child sees you every day

2. You find excuses to cover for the child wrong doing when the other children would be punished

3. You buy things for the child even when its not deserved, needed, or even wanted

4. First child you think of when comparing the other children (which you should not be doing in the first place)

5. If this child have less responsibilities, not because of its age but because you don't want to interrupt "their day"

6. When buying for the children, the child gets what is wanted, why the other children gets what's needed.

So quit make enemies within your own home and love your children equally.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Blog Hop Friday

Welcome again to Blog Hop Friday, hosted by My New Life As Mom, Chubby Cheeks Thinks, Take A Mom's Word For It, Bree Bee's, This Adventure Our Life and Belly Charms!We continue to invite you and your friends to link up every Friday and join us for a wonderful blog hopping adventure! We're all about making friends and having fun so come join us! Here's how you can join in on the fun;

Link up to your blog, using our inlinkz link list, below.

Follow the host/hostesses located in the first lucky 7 slots.

Follow any other blogs that you feel appropriate! :)

Add the Blog Hop Friday button to your sidebar.

When following a new blog, please remember to leave a little personal comment love.

If you get a new follower, please feel free to reciprocate the love!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Another Gray Hair? Ugh Parental Clock, Time, and Understanding It

Hmm...the days past by when your working and raising kids. Before you know it, your looking in the rear view mirror and notice that you have a grey hair-well actually several grey hairs. You think wow, haven't noticed those before. Well though I have noticed my greying, and I don't want to think that I'm getting older; my children remind me that I am and that my Parental Clock is slowly ticking down. What is a Parental Clock? The clock that times the beginning of your parental experience with each child until the end. Some call it the eighteen year sentencing or life- you know the bottom of the bell curve time. Either way, the time it takes for you to rear your child.

Why am I talking about time today? Well I have realized that although we know time is not a endless thing our children think it is. They feel that they will always have fun at least until they grow up. And if you asked them when is a grown up a grown up, most couldn't tell you. Now as a parent teaching the concept of time to your child it is a task that will require time-and a lot of it. It begins when they are infants with the crying and waiting on a response. The attentive parent will juggle between tending the child's needs and the tending of self. As the child becomes more independent, the longer the wait time will be, and the child we finally understand that "in a minute" does not mean in sixty seconds or less but varies from one person to the next. And with each passing moment, the concept of time will slowly be understood.

But how do you get your child to follow or least understand what your time means? By demonstrating the importance of time, telling them what it means, and following your own clock. For me a time follows a circle-like a clock. If I plan a party I expect people to be at least fifteen minutes late or earlier and it never ends at a given time. This doesn't bother me and actually makes things kind of relaxing. But for my lovely wife, her time is on a line (linear). She expect thing to start on time and end on time. If your late she gets upset and if your early she gets a little annoyed. Now this has caused some interesting conversations, but the children and I have learned to operated within boundaries. They have learned with mommy, she will get me to school on time, her in a minute means in a minute, and she expects the same. However; with daddy, he will get you to school near the time, but you may have to run to class, his in a minute means you got time to finish watching your television show, and he expects the same. Now the child will watch and learn, will see and relate things in special order. They will understand what show comes before and after their favorite show and understand the basic of morning, afternoon, and night. Using that as a great starter for getting the child to understand time. For example. SpongeBob comes on after Fairly Odd Parents (Nickelodeon shows), they happen before you get dinner, we eat dinner at 6:00pm, so they are afternoon shows. Using simple concepts like this helps the child understand time and how long it take for things to begin and end. And with practice, the child will be telling time in no time.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Follow Friday

It's Friday! Yes!! Another day to follow and get to know more people. So take peek and see who's following or who you would like to follow.

Friday Follow

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

You let her go to the store?! Pushing out of the Nest, When is the Right Time?

Its been a few days since I last posted and I'm sorry life have grabbed me by the horns and flipped me over. I upright again and moving on, trotting but doing ok. While struggling to flip back over, I was presented with the question of : When is the right time to push your children out of the nest? This question derived from me allowing my twelve year old daughter and eight year old son, ride their bikes to the store to pick up an item I needed. Hmm.. Now I thought about this one and found it quite difficult to come up with a direct age to kick the child from the nest (home). I feel that this usually requires trial and error and often more error than success. So I decided to tackle the question this way. I believe that the child's readiness for independence is based on the child; however, the preparation for this independence is based on the parents. So you may have a child that ready to be free, but not prepared or a child that not ready for freedom but is prepared for it. Either way this scenario or usually lead to the child free-falling to the ground until it's either saved (self or parent) or splattering (figuratively) when contact is made with the cold hard ground (world). Not the outcome any parent want for their child right? So how can we prevent this? Here are some suggestion

First, we, as parents, must know our children. And I mean really know. If you can't state your child's favorites (and I know they change), what music they like, hobbies and even friends then you don't really know the child. By knowing the interworking of your child, this allows for the correct time for the push them towards independence. If you recall , we start out rearing the child, teaching it how to talk, walk, and even control it's bodily functions (independence). Then when the child's ready you allow for alone time, such as bathing, playing video games, and cell phone. And this increase to allowing social relationships, sleepovers and the dreaded unsupervised dating. But each of those steps leads to independence and provide you a way to gage your child's independence level. If you notice the child is lacking, you provide more opportunities to demonstrate (of course nothing that dangerous ). And when the child is ready, your progress to the next level.

Second, we as parents must always demonstrate our independence as well. The child need to see that we can take care of ourselves. at home, work and within the community. If the child witness your lack of independence than it will learn this and take it as the norm. So stand up for yourself, exert your independence when appropriate and then talk with the child regarding your actions.

Third, lest be honest with ourselves as parent, your children will NEVER be totally independent from you- and that is a good thing. You want your children to always know that they can depend on you as their parents. The relationship between parent an child should graduate to that point. In a successful relationship, that child will understand and respect the parent's role, while feeling a bond that can be described as a friendship. This would have developed during the child's life as the parent slowly let go and allow the child to grow. Allowing for the good and the bad times, (behaviors and all) while supporting the child. Independence will slowly grow until the time will come and you really won't have to push the child, the child will jump and soar away.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Follow Friday

Friday Follow

It is that time of the week again, Follow Friday. This week there is a special give away going on, so check out One To Try , Hearts Make Families or Midday Escapades for more infomation. Also check out some of these blogs and let them know what you think. Happy Follow Friday!

Adventures of a Wanna-Be Supah Mommy

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Boy I Look Good

Today I was talking with a parent, they were worried about their child's self esteem. I was then asked how do you help this. How do you increase your child's self image? Now at first I wanted to provide the parent with resources to read and go into a discussion of them, but then I thought about it. I informed the parent to increase the child's self image, her self image had to increase first. I then explained that her child's view of the world around her depends so much on the way her parents present it to her. Especially regarding self beauty. She looked confused so I explained further. The child learns so much from the parent. Things like: self awareness, morals, intimacy, basic living and social skills. etc. But this lesson is taught better when the child observes the parent. If the child see that the parents cares about how their appearance, personal hygiene, self worth. Then they will care. If the child observes the compliments that are present to those you care for (love or like) then the child will mimic. If the parent is "happy in their own skin" then the child will learn to be happy in theirs. But to love oneself is one of the hardest part of being a parent today. Taking care of your health, your appearance and general wellbeing is often forsaken. So if you want to help your child understand the importance of self worth. Make sure you as the parent take care of yourself. And with each morning you awake take a long look into the mirror, smile, and say to yourself.. "Boy I look Good today!" and mean it.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Why Do I Have to Repeat Myself? Your Not Getting This. Pull Your pants Up No One Wants to See Your Butt!

I like Follow Friday, whoever invented should get a some form of recognition or even commission for each blogger who follows. Follow Friday provides me with the opportunity to see what other bloggers are into and a hyperlink to get there-I know simple things make me happy.

Well I would like to thank those who decided to follow me after this following Friday. The Blog I visited this week that attracted my attention was "What's A Mom To Do?" by Jacki H at http://whatdoesamomdo.blogspot.com/ Jacki's post on My Biggest Pet Peeves was quite amusing and posed several questions that I hear often as a complaint or concern by parents.
1: Why don't my child listen to me or Why do I have to repeat myself to get them to comply.
2: Why do my children take things/me for granted or Why are their expectations of me are greater than what the expect of themselves.
3: Are my children's personal domains a thing I really can change and if so how do I do this? Now to address these questions

The 1st question, Getting your children to comply when you want them too requires only one or a few words. The word "Now" or any word/phrase that mean to act instantly and without delay. The error I have noticed when working with parents is the feeling or desire to not appear "strict." This want provides the child with inconsistent commands and unpredictable expectation from their parents. The child expects to be told what to do, so that they can understand their world around them while complying to make their parents happy. By giving the direction of "Clean your room. Now!" You are telling your child to do this act now, not after their show goes off, or after they finish texting their friends. The child understand that your in control and will comply.

The 2nd question, The Prince or Princess syndrome least this is what I refer to it as. The expectation that your child develops from receiving things when they want, without understanding why they received it or because its their "birthright". Well this can also be address with a word or few words. The word "No" and any other word or phrase the denies the request of the child. This word/phrase is then followed with an explanation of why the request was denied. The child, like adults, like to know why things are denied, this allows them to rationalize and/or justify the denial. As a parent we want to view our children request as if they were coming from a child you were providing care for not biological children. If the request is something you would not do for another child, then it maybe that your child's request is just that a request. If the child want it done, then have them earn it. This teaches the child that your job as their parent is to provide the basic necessities: food, proper clothing, shelter, and to develop their psychological wellbeing (emotional, psychosocial, and mental) and the rest is a earned by them or given by the parent.

The 3rd question, Parents have and will always disagree with their children for what is consider the child's personal domain. The parent who have their child's best interest in heart wants to control their child's world. The protective nature is loving and children do need this; however, there will come a time when the child's personal appearance will be just that "it's" personal appearance. This allow the child an expression of oneself, a development of self esteem, and a way for parents to gauge the child's peer pressure acceptability. Now I am not stating to allow the child a freedom of choice in all they do, but to allow certain things that they can choose and will always choose. For an example, a child can choose the hair style, length, color etc; however the child can not choose to wear what clothing he or she can wear. Or the clothing chosen have to be within a certain guideline. This personal domain limit is established while the child is growing, but can be developed at anytime within the child's life. And with any rule, you as the parent reserve the right to modify the rule and will notify the child before the rule change occur.

Another way to modify the child's wants or desire for the inappropriate trend, is to get them to explain why they want to follow it so much and don't take "just because" as an acceptable answer. Every trend, have an originator and meaning, instruct the child to find out the meaning and discuss it with them. For an example saggy/baggy pants often referred to as Saggin' developed according to Dr. Jon Abdullah Yasin, from" (at least in concept) from an eccentric American youth translation of old African culture blended with exaggerated street fashion of the time" More on this subject can be found at http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=280977. Once answers are found discuss and this will allow you as the parent a window of opportunity to bond with the child, find out more about the way your child think and process new ideas.

I hope this was helpful and is not all that can be discussed on the subject. Please let me know what you think and lets discuss.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Follow Friday

Friday Follow

Is Friday!! WooHoo!! And time leave my thoughts in this blogosphere and follow some more today.. I visited some new ones regarding parenting and the thoughts on being a parent. So don't be scared and come over and see me sometime.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

My Feelings on Father hood

Today I would like to state my feelings on being a father. With another child soon to be here, the doom and gloom guys have appeared once again on my shoulders. You know the guys who tell you how things aren't going to work out and how bad things will be or any other negative idea they can think of to keep you down. Well, as they sit on my shoulders arguing on how much sleep or lack of I'm going to receive with the new baby, I'm thinking about being a father.

I must say I'm lucky to have wife who love me enough to bare three of my kids so far, each getting here in their own unique way, but that's another story. And though she feels I'm not the most sympathetic person, as I don't do everything" she wants me to do for her during these months of "baby cooking," I must say that I do love being a father.

Besides getting the "child choice" ties on father day, I love the opportunity to watch my offspring grow. To see the fruits of my labor develop into this unique individual, while knowing half of those chromosomes are mine-and it's my good ones that are doing all the work (joke). But besides those perk, I do realize it's hard being a father. As such a large number of familes now are only single parents familes and majority of those homes are fatherless. A father is a precious thing, I know this, and that is why I do my best to spend time with my children, each giving them the a little of me each time. Whether it is a story, a game, scolding if there misbehaving, or laughter when they are feeling down. I'm silly on purpose, chasing them around and let them beat me up least until I get too tired or the accidently hit below the belt. I enjoy hearing their successes and it saddens me of their failures. But I try to encourage them to keep their head up and keep trying. As my belief is like my mothers, "as long as your doing your very best, and I know you during your very best, I proud regardless of the result." I'm made the disciplinarian so I know my children won't tell me everything, even if I want to, but that's ok too. Because I know the fear they have now, will graduate into respect later as I continue to treat them with love, compassion, and understanding while meeting their basic needs. Fatherhood is something I am learning and will continue to learn. It's not an automatic, instinctual thing you feel or that awakens, You have to learn, make mistakes (pray none of them get you on Oprah or Dr Phil) and continue to do you best. But when it's all said and done, I want to be able to look back and say "I did good, and they are alright".

So to all the dad or mom who read this blog, thank your dad, stepdad, uncle, granddad, or any male role model who was there for you. and If you didn't have one, become that dad you wanted as a kid.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Now How Does That Make You Feel : Empathy vs. Sympathy

After Follow Friday was a positive for me, I visited several of the websites that followed me. Which was quite fun and amusing, I was visiting Take a Mom's Word for It at http://takeamomswordforit.blogspot.com/ and I came across a question submitted by one of her followers.. the question submitted was "my little girl who is 5 does not know how to be sympathetic to other kids when they get hurt anyone have any suggestions thanks" I thought about this and realized that this was a common questions I received from concern parents.

Sympathy is a great emotions as it allows others to associate with other living things, often relating, which in turn can help the thing your associating with. For an example. A young man, that you do not know, named John fall and hurt himself while playing on the playground. You watched John fall and hurt himself and recall you fell three months ago (touching your arm in the spot that is healed now). John gets up crying and you feel sad suddenly and is concerned about John's wellbeing. You walk over to help John and see if he is ok. That feeling of sadness and concern you have for John is what we want our children to possess, so that they can be an asset to our community. However, this emotion will not come for a while. Sympathy is what I term a "graduate emotion." A graduate emotion is an emotion that evolves or graduates from a lesser one or group of emotions that the person masters.

Parents must first teach their child(ren) how to be empathetic before they can learn to be sympathetic. Empathy is the art of projection. The person uses their imagination and projects the object's (feelings) onto themselves and emerges with it. This is taught by the parent when we discuss feelings with the child and how they should feel. An example of this is: how often we say to our child " how would you feel if this happened to you" or "See that little boy's face, how do you think he feels?" This is done with every opportunity the child have with the parent and in different scenarios and situation. The parent will know when empathy have graduated to sympathy as the child will demonstrate sympathy around you. Often sharing emotions with other living things.

Some ways to teach empathy:

1. As suggested by Kady at Take a Mom's Word for It, reading books. It is always great to read to the child. This promotes bonding, is a conversation starter and demonstrates a value in education
2. When the child watches Television, talk about the shows with the child while watching also. Time together helps build bonding
3. Demonstrate empathy yourself, children learn more form our actions than or words
4. Praise wanted behaviors from the child, when empathy is demonstrated engage the child and have them explain their feelings.

These are just a few tips for teaching the child empathy. If you know any more please feel free to leave a comment.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Follow Friday

Friday Follow

I have heard about Follow Friday and thought I would check it out. Today I have visited quite a few new blogs so it was well worth the time to see others thoughts about parenting and being a parent. If you get a chance check some out for yourself.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My Kids won't listen? What can I do?

The above questions are presented to me regularly by parents I work with. And I give them same answer each time-"because you are not listening to them." The parent would then stop look at me in bewilderment and wait for an explanation. I inform them that just as adults want to be heard, children do as well. They begin in life requesting our attention (crying) and will continue this until they leave the home. And as parents, we will have to learn to listen to them. This can be hard to do as they will present things that you do not like or understand but it is required to develop the relationship. So how do you start your children to listening to you?

1. Ask then what the problem really is? This may take time and the child may not really know what's occurring or even the issues

2. Make sure you remain consistence with your request/demand of the child. Remember You are the parent and are responsible for the child's wellbeing

3. Make the consequences meet the crime. just as you would not get life in prison for a simple traffic ticket, your child should not be grounded for weeks for minor infractions

4. When you child talks, be quiet and be an attentive listen, its the unspoken words that really tell you what the child is feeling.

These are just a few of the things you can do to engage and help your child to listen to you. Try these things and let me know what results you receives.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Raining on your child's parade

In my job, I often have the opportunity to see bad parenting in action, which I take as a blessing and a curse. These parents provide me with a steady source of "what not to do's" and possible strategies to coach them into the right direction. But one thing that really bothers me is the parent who "rains on their child's parade" and not the unknowingly times, which we may all do in any given part of our child life. But the deliberate act of "Rain causing, bubble popping" really bothers me.

Most children have limited times in there life when they are really proud of their accomplishments-a picture drawn, good grades, the winning shot in a sporting event, remembering to do ALL their chores without request. And as parents this is the perfect opportunity to cultivate the child's self esteem. To support this positive behavior and give the child an opportunity to shine. However, there are some parents who feel that any sign of your child's success is either a threat to their authority, or a personal strike against their character and will "rain on" the child. Either through direct belittling the act with mean statements, ignoring, or just being plain mean spirited. This is shameful and created an sense of anger, and distrust in the child.

So How can this be corrected.
1. The parent can first listen to the child and acknowledge what the child has done-a simple smile does wonders
2. The parent need to think of why the child behavior cause that un easy feeling. Was it the way it was said (presented)? Was the act of the child doing something you wanted to do? And yes as parents we can be jealous of our children accomplishments. Once realized the need to addressed by the parent and corrected.
3. To correct this behavior we as parents, will have to seek help from others and apologize to the child for raining on their parade.

Because remember the child is always learning from the parent and soon will be doing the same to you or others. And when this occurs in the public realm, school, church or shopping center-embarrassments will soon follow. And the family as a whole will suffer

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A Lion and the Kitty

I reviewed Parents magazine article entitled "Discipline Differences", pg 54, May 2010. It was a very interesting on how the different parent styles of the parents often cause problems within the family structure. The article presented several families and the issues cause between several beliefs. A good read. But don't go on my statement. Go out and get the magazine to see for yourself

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Am I too Hard on my kids?

Discipline vs. Punishments

One thing I recall as child was my mother's punishments. She was a believer of corporal punishment and would use it when deemed necessary. The memories of picking my own switch or switches to teach me right from wrong still leaves me squirming as I write this. The sounds of your heart beating in your ear and the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach while selecting the tool of the trade. If you got one to little she will try it on you and make you get another one, get one to big and you would hurt yourself. So you finally learned how to pick a switch-the right size after trail and error. I got to the point of not caring about a switching as much as I got older and come to despise her other form of punishment as she called it-The removal. She would take something from you and would state, "You will get this back when I'm good and ready". Which translated to you would NEVER get it back. Now I don't want people to think my mom was a like the mother from the movie "Mommy Dearest" or like the mom from "Carrie." not by any means, she just used several techniques of child rearing that fell in the category of impropriate punishment. I never felt that I was abused by her nor that she did not love me dearly, which I know she does; however, I have learned that the old way of doing things is exactly that the old way. Children need to be taught (discipline) not beat (punishment) into productive citizens. What do you think? Is their a proper place for punishment? Do the pressures of society force parents to choose improper parenting techniques? Or even to be scared to discipline their children at all?