I Am Gay...Can I Come Live With You?

I'm a heterosexual, African American, South Georgian male. These are just a few of the characteristics that I have chosen to share about myself today. And I choose theses three because I feel these are three I could not change no matter how hard I may try (not that I'm trying). I could experiment with the same sex (nope not interest in it); pretend to be another race (but my best attempts always can be seen as fake); and even move to other part of Georgia or the United States (have done that, but as soon as I speak, people ask/think "hmm your not from around here are you?").

So I have come to feel that this IS me and no way to change it. I was born this way and HEY either I embrace it or struggle to change it. 

I was blessed to be born in a family that accept me for my black male tomfoolery, "playa playa pimp pimp" mentality growing up. I was given (butt still sore) morals and taught right from wrong, attended church every Sunday (Even when on Christmas "yep" but that's another story), and studied hard in school passed and went to college.  But this was a good thing right? I was allowed (sorta) to become who I am.. to be a positive asset to my community, valued for my opinions (I do have a lot of those too), advice, and thoughts. And this was a good thing right? Well my first answer was "Yes." But then I presented this question by one of my children a while ago.

Question: "Well Mr. James, what if YOU had to tell your family whom hated you..that you were gay? Would you want to tell them this?"

I though about this for a while and then I stated "Yes I would tell them. I would tell them because your sexual orientation is just one of your characteristics. I know in a normal situation you would be with your parents whom have reared you since you were born, provided you with some sense of stability, and wanted the best for you. They would want you to be happy and address your "coming out" as a loving family would. But your not in this situation. Your sexual orientation maybe an issue with the family your trying to go with. They may have great issues about this and feel so uncomfortable in their own sexuality, have religious convictions, or just plain phobias that they may say subtle things that discriminate, be just plan out right mean, or try and "fix" you which I don't consider anything wrong with you and really isn't their place to address."

The child looked at me and stated, " I hear ya, Mr. James. But it's not fair. You didn't have to tell your family that you like girls did you? "

I responded, " No, I didn't"

He followed, "Then why does it matter who I like. So what if their uncomfortable, they should love me for who I am not who I love. My family state they are Christians and all that stuff. That they would love me regardless. But when It comes to me living with them..It's NO."  

By then the child have become to shed tears and shake.

I know, I responded, " It's really unfair to ask you to share such a personal part of your life to them. But we have to remember, who you like is a part of you just like your skin color. You can't change it and it be a natural part of you. You can't be honest with who you are unless you can be WHO you are. And where you are living effects how easily you can be who you are."

After a few minutes, the child stopped crying and looked away gazing out the car window as I drove towards our destination.

Now today when I think back to our conversation, I wonder how much WHO I am is based on my rearing. Is it really fair to say that I'm heterosexual by choice or by birth. Would I be any different If was reared by a non traditional family (male/male, female/female or even single parent)? I believe that true sexual orientation is biological. And it's really unfortunate that at this point in our country it's just a big of a debate as the right for women to choose what to do with their bodies. It's used as platform for votes, to deny citizens rights, and even to deny potential families from rearing children.  

When I think about the child I was talking with, I can't help and think how much easier placements would be if the child's orientation was considered the norm. How unwanted behaviors wouldn't be blamed on orientation. How the poor child wouldn't be considered a "threat to society, family or little children."  How this is so unfair, but hey that's a choice that is made by the child and with choices comes consequences right?  

So today my questions are who is responsible for the orientation for the child? If only heterosexuals can make babies and more heterosexuals rear children than homosexuals, so where is the "unwanted" orientation coming from?

Me? Over Protective...

"Mom!.Your over protective! and always watching me".. I heard this more recently in my house. I find this quite interesting as at one time the statement was "Mom!..I'm bored won't you come play with me." And this coming from my tweener (child between the age of 11-14).

Seems with each day that pass, this child want of independence grows- which to me is a good thing. I want the child to develop, to mature, and wonder into the woods of life knowing that she has protectors at home. But in this time and age, with all the internet predators, cyber bullies, and people who are just plain weird, parents do have to be a little over protective with their children, Right? No Wrong.

I state No, because over-protection leads to under-protection. Let me explain. To over protect means to smother. To preemptive strike at anything that could possible go wrong. Example: So Sally wants to go to her friends house to play-No cause one, I don't know Sally, Sally's family, the neighbors in Sally Neighborhood, or What Sally's religious beliefs, what Sally's family routine (bedtime, bath time, etc). These unknowns will lead to harm to my child. And harm is bad so no Sally can't go. Sally will learn your thinking pattern, soon Sally will stop asking, and start creating either a way to go or a way not to go. Either way this stifles Sally's Social growth, which stifles her ability to judge people. We learn what "undesirables" (people who we do not like or desire to be around) are from our school career, and other social interaction. If the child only see and hear you, guess what you become-an undesirable. They will love and hate you, sounds confusing? Well it is, especially to a developing child. And once you become an undesirable, You can not protect your child.
Now I'm not saying to allow your child access to everything and everyone around them. But to allow the child an opportunity to wonder out, learn and come back home to process. Because, You want your children to always feel protected by you.

If you are doing this then..you might be over protective
1. If your child can not go to friend's house without you calling to "checking up on them" which is at least five times
2. If your idea of non-intrusive behavior is reading your child's emails, mail and diary without there knowledge so that you can see if they are talking to someone.
3. If your children can not have social relationship (boy or girl) without you freaking out.

There are many more that could be added to the list.