Two Faced...Am I?..Nah

Two Face

So are we teaching our children to be two-faced? What's two faced..Well it's like the DC comic character

We have a good side and a bad side but it's determined by a flip of a coin (or more a mere thought) Or more like that we present one way in public but in reality our feelings are completely opposite.

Now I was presented with this situation with one of my kids. The child was with me as we were traveling to a local restaurant. I was making my way over in the turning lane to make my turn (signal clicking an all) when a guy who wanted to turn more than me, cut me off and turned. Now the child (14 years old) look at me and said, "Now that was messed up, you should blow your horn at him and let him know what's up." Now I have a decision to make, react to the jerk or be an example. Now being a male, with a younger male I have to show I'm Alpha male right, protect my rep and let the other driver know I'm not to be messed with. But as a parent I also need to teach this little guy that you don't handle conflict with violence. So "coin flip" I do the right thing and respond " I know this guy was being a real jerk, but it's not so important that I have to make a scene. This can lead to an altercation, police involvement and possible legal actions all for What? Nothing, our time is more important than his so I'll let it pass." Now the young man looked at me bewildered, I smiled,  we parked, went in, and enjoyed our meal.  

 Now I feel that we all have our Two Faced moments and often these show when were are put under a state of duress. And I find this normal. We are faced sometime with situations that you have to turn to the "dark side" and do what's in your best interest..say for survival (sitting in precinct, facing 10 years in prison-question asked who did it-Tell or no-no brainer right?) But then there are times that we choose to be bad and just because it's easier and we don't consider the consequence or who's watching. 

As parents we teach our children to be morally good, to tell the truth always and to face the consequences of our actions regardless if they loose a privilege, get grounded or receive a spanking, but as Adults we do not do the same. Why?

"shrugging shoulders"

Well maybe because we feel that it's in our best interest to act a certain way.."Hey YOU can 't expect me to allow THAT guy to DO that to me right? I have  rep to protect. "

Or maybe that little white lie want hurt anyone..so we tell our significant you look so beautiful in that outfit while thinking.."uh I really don't think you should wear that outside the house."

Regardless of our reasoning, we are teaching our children to be two faced. To protect themselves and if it requires a little white lie or back stab~Hey that's the way it is.  You have to survive in this dog eat dog world~ right? So I ask is it ok to teach our children to be two faced? And If not why? 

Now How Does That Make You Feel : Empathy vs. Sympathy

After Follow Friday was a positive for me, I visited several of the websites that followed me. Which was quite fun and amusing, I was visiting Take a Mom's Word for It at http://takeamomswordforit.blogspot.com/ and I came across a question submitted by one of her followers.. the question submitted was "my little girl who is 5 does not know how to be sympathetic to other kids when they get hurt anyone have any suggestions thanks" I thought about this and realized that this was a common questions I received from concern parents.

Sympathy is a great emotions as it allows others to associate with other living things, often relating, which in turn can help the thing your associating with. For an example. A young man, that you do not know, named John fall and hurt himself while playing on the playground. You watched John fall and hurt himself and recall you fell three months ago (touching your arm in the spot that is healed now). John gets up crying and you feel sad suddenly and is concerned about John's wellbeing. You walk over to help John and see if he is ok. That feeling of sadness and concern you have for John is what we want our children to possess, so that they can be an asset to our community. However, this emotion will not come for a while. Sympathy is what I term a "graduate emotion." A graduate emotion is an emotion that evolves or graduates from a lesser one or group of emotions that the person masters.

Parents must first teach their child(ren) how to be empathetic before they can learn to be sympathetic. Empathy is the art of projection. The person uses their imagination and projects the object's (feelings) onto themselves and emerges with it. This is taught by the parent when we discuss feelings with the child and how they should feel. An example of this is: how often we say to our child " how would you feel if this happened to you" or "See that little boy's face, how do you think he feels?" This is done with every opportunity the child have with the parent and in different scenarios and situation. The parent will know when empathy have graduated to sympathy as the child will demonstrate sympathy around you. Often sharing emotions with other living things.

Some ways to teach empathy:

1. As suggested by Kady at Take a Mom's Word for It, reading books. It is always great to read to the child. This promotes bonding, is a conversation starter and demonstrates a value in education
2. When the child watches Television, talk about the shows with the child while watching also. Time together helps build bonding
3. Demonstrate empathy yourself, children learn more form our actions than or words
4. Praise wanted behaviors from the child, when empathy is demonstrated engage the child and have them explain their feelings.

These are just a few tips for teaching the child empathy. If you know any more please feel free to leave a comment.