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Today I was listening to NPR and they were talking about breakups. The story that grabbed my attention was the example given by a little girl who wanted to know why her parents were getting divorced.  She explained that the she wanted to know the real reason why and not adults told her and not the regular answer of "it will be ok answer."

While listening to the story and her want of the reconnection of her parents,  it brought back memories of my feeling when my parents separated.  I recalled that same feeling of "why" and the urge of wanting them to get back together even I knew this was not going to happen (cause my mother told me she would NEVER get back with him). I knew this and experiences the reason why my mother left my father in the first place. But this did not stop me from wanting them to be back together. That want of normalcy, that longing to be like the child in school where their father came to the school to pick them up during "parent pickup" or to go to take me fishing. I recall sitting with the friendly man (counselor) as a child and telling him I wanted my mommy and my daddy to be together. Why? I don't know I knew my daddy was really mean to my mommy and me, that he would do real bad stuff to me and cause me pain, embarrassment, and anger. But I didn't care it was this longing a deep desire.

Now why would I want to live with a guy who not only put a gun to my mother's, head pull the trigger (thank god it misfired) whiled I watched but beat me senseless on several occasions? Is it a biological longing to be with your parent you bonded with regardless of their shortcomings?

I know as a social worker, the children in care 99.9% of the time want to go home with their caregiver that caused them harm, they return home after care 99.9% of the time and will quickly turn on you if you talk bad about their caregivers.  So maybe it's a biological thing.  Don't really know.

Regardless of their reasoning, it reminds me of another one of the reasons, I try and encourages caretakers when dealing with children with missing caregivers to remembers it is very important to support the relationship in whatever form is allowed by law. As the child will seek this relationship out and draw their own conclusions about the missing caregiver. I know I did, my mother who wasn't very supportive of our relationship with my father (and she had a justifiable concern), didn't allow this. But I kept wondering if he (father) was so bad, why would my mother

          1. hook up with him

          2. marry him

          3. have several children from him over a several year period.

It didn't make sense  to me. So if I wasn't getting a answer from her I was going to get it from the source (father and his family). Well it took me several years to get this answer. And I found out that

          1. my father was not as big of a POS as my family called him and lead me to believe

          2. that my mother and father really loved each other

          3. that substance abuse is a terrible disease.

This help me deal with some of the unanswered questions and as I got older, experience life (relationships) I was able to understand the complexities of the relationship, and the hard decisions made when becoming a parent and dealing with unpleasant situations. As parents we often have to deal with these type of situations, but it makes me wonder and I ask. If (I know most never want to think this) but if you were ending your current relationship, how  would you explain this to your children? What would you say? Would you allow your emotions to cloud your judgment regarding the children? Often they are used as pawns in relationships. Would this be you? Would you tell them the truth?

No Place Like home

Wow today was one of those days..Driving for hours to assist children to permanency, that's my role, that's my job. I often wonder what people who are not in my line of work think when they see me with a child who obviously is not my biological and they are treating me as their parent. The stares, questions, and comments I receive are so weird, intrusive and outright rude sometimes; but the children and I seem to address them and move on.  

Foster care is one of those necessary evils I would say. It's important to protect our children from harms way, but it also traumatizes the child that being removed from the environment they are currently in. I have witness the horror the children feel/expressed but also witness the comfort they feel/express as well when placed in a safe secure home environment where they are treated like children and allowed to express themselves. Not all homes are the best but as one of my children informed me today. There is no place like home. We often try and allow the children to bring something with them to remind them of home a toy, picture or favorite item, but this does not always happen.

So today I ask. If you had to go live somewhere else by force, you had to go now, what one thing would you take? 

MY GOOD WEEK-Day 2

Well Day 2 of "MY GOOD WEEK". Today, I got to experience what a placement worker (foster care case managers) strive for- the return of children. The return to a home where the parents have matured, learned, and adopted new positive ways in rearing their children. The parents have proven not only to the State, but mainly to themselves and their children that they are able to provide a safe home for them to live in. This process is accomplished through hard work, set goals, court and granted by a judge.

Today would be considered a great day as reunification does not happen often. Usually permanency is accomplished by children being placed with a non-parent (a relative or fictive kin). This occurs because most parents aren't ready for change or their problems are too great to be solve within policy time allotted. For some children, there is not an exit for them as they enter care and remain till 18. And As a worker, these children becomes your children and are often the hardest to rear, as foster care is not design for such a burden. Either way, I had a great day, the children got to stay with their parent and I get to see the results of hard work, dedication, long phone conversation, late nights, tear, laughs and team work.