H.O.P.E.

picture via http://jackieshawministries.com

Hmm.. been a wild ride these last few weeks..a long time and  a lot of thoughts I wanted to blog about. Being a four day "weekend," thanks to a furlough day and a holiday connect, I am given the opportunity to blog today. Today I'm blogging about HOPE. Why you may ask? Well through these past few weeks this is what I have noticed was my families, especially the children, form of energy.

I have noticed how HOPE have help them through these long days, nights, and weeks that they have been awaiting the return to norm or a better life. I, myself, often think this was foolish as the expectation for success for some of my families is really slim, more like finding the infamous needle in a hay stack.  Either way, these families do not give up HOPE. They look to me and the agency for HOPE and guidance to achieve their goals.  This can be very draining and I often loose HOPE myself.  I am only human, but often feel that I have to be more. I have to state that I am fortunate to have other people I can draw the energies needed to keep going.

Now as parents, we often get to the point where we are HOPELESS. Things are not going the way we planned, others are trying their best to hold us down,  and all other things seem to get in our way. But remember that there are others really depending on you, looking for you to keep the HOPE and provide for them.  Their smiles, and health is where you have to draw your HOPE from, because things are presented to us as a way to test our resolve-to ensure you are worthy to call yourself a parent, a care giver, or a protector.

No matter what you may feel about the current situation your experiencing at this moment, I want you to remember this:

1. Your children will always love you-maybe not in the form that you want but they do love you
2. Any mistakes you make as a parent can be viewed as a lesson for your children-so if you make one. Own It. Address It. And Move On.
3. Always love yourself so that you can love your children
4. Remember HOPE. Helping Others Perceive Excellence-So that they an Achieve it.

So keep up the good work and don't forget HOPE 

Image via PicGifs.com

Today I was listening to NPR and they were talking about breakups. The story that grabbed my attention was the example given by a little girl who wanted to know why her parents were getting divorced.  She explained that the she wanted to know the real reason why and not adults told her and not the regular answer of "it will be ok answer."

While listening to the story and her want of the reconnection of her parents,  it brought back memories of my feeling when my parents separated.  I recalled that same feeling of "why" and the urge of wanting them to get back together even I knew this was not going to happen (cause my mother told me she would NEVER get back with him). I knew this and experiences the reason why my mother left my father in the first place. But this did not stop me from wanting them to be back together. That want of normalcy, that longing to be like the child in school where their father came to the school to pick them up during "parent pickup" or to go to take me fishing. I recall sitting with the friendly man (counselor) as a child and telling him I wanted my mommy and my daddy to be together. Why? I don't know I knew my daddy was really mean to my mommy and me, that he would do real bad stuff to me and cause me pain, embarrassment, and anger. But I didn't care it was this longing a deep desire.

Now why would I want to live with a guy who not only put a gun to my mother's, head pull the trigger (thank god it misfired) whiled I watched but beat me senseless on several occasions? Is it a biological longing to be with your parent you bonded with regardless of their shortcomings?

I know as a social worker, the children in care 99.9% of the time want to go home with their caregiver that caused them harm, they return home after care 99.9% of the time and will quickly turn on you if you talk bad about their caregivers.  So maybe it's a biological thing.  Don't really know.

Regardless of their reasoning, it reminds me of another one of the reasons, I try and encourages caretakers when dealing with children with missing caregivers to remembers it is very important to support the relationship in whatever form is allowed by law. As the child will seek this relationship out and draw their own conclusions about the missing caregiver. I know I did, my mother who wasn't very supportive of our relationship with my father (and she had a justifiable concern), didn't allow this. But I kept wondering if he (father) was so bad, why would my mother

          1. hook up with him

          2. marry him

          3. have several children from him over a several year period.

It didn't make sense  to me. So if I wasn't getting a answer from her I was going to get it from the source (father and his family). Well it took me several years to get this answer. And I found out that

          1. my father was not as big of a POS as my family called him and lead me to believe

          2. that my mother and father really loved each other

          3. that substance abuse is a terrible disease.

This help me deal with some of the unanswered questions and as I got older, experience life (relationships) I was able to understand the complexities of the relationship, and the hard decisions made when becoming a parent and dealing with unpleasant situations. As parents we often have to deal with these type of situations, but it makes me wonder and I ask. If (I know most never want to think this) but if you were ending your current relationship, how  would you explain this to your children? What would you say? Would you allow your emotions to cloud your judgment regarding the children? Often they are used as pawns in relationships. Would this be you? Would you tell them the truth?

You have Children? WOW!! Now that was a mistake.

Ok.. This may sound a little hypocritical coming from Me..A Social Worker who enjoys reunifying families. The hard ones that require a lot of work..like getting them to understand that children ARE people and have feelings that you have to consider 1st before yours.. But I have to say some parents..Just Don't Need Children.

I know..I know..I shouldn't think this way, but today was one of those days that re-enforced my belief. Well today I was working with a family that I know they love their child, and the child love them.  But they just don't get it. 

Parenting requires the ability to adapt. As adaptability will prevent the breakdown at Wal-Mart when your little one gets a case of volcanic diarrhea, while in the customer service line, and messes up that last diaper..and guess what? You didn't bring anymore. What to do when you have toxic green colored baby poo running down your arm?

Parenting requires that you can multitask. Because there are times in your parenting life when you are required to feed one child, while making sandwiches for the other, helping with homework, while talking on the phone with your significant about something that (important to them) but not so important to you. 

Parenting requires you to be a spy, private investigator, cop, jury, and judge all within the same conversation. How else can you bust, gather data, bring them home, allow for an explanation, and pass judgment when the child misbehaved. 

And those are just a few of the qualities you have to have. The problem is my poor parents don't have it. They just don't have the level of functioning that will allow them to be a THAT parent. They are doing their best, but I'm not sure if it 's gonna be enough. 

I am trying to provide them with assistance and requesting help from other community resources so that they can learn some of these basic skills, but they require time and practice. However, the system of foster care don't allow enough time for theses skills to be mastered. So should I give up and allow the child to remain in care? Or continue to tread along with them hoping they will get it? They really should not had a child. They were married and I know they love each dearly, but offspring was a mistake. Sometime I feel as a nation we should limit certain couples from reproducing, least until they master the required basic skills. Is that wrong? Should A Social Worker feel this way regarding problem parents? I know proper parenting is really based on who perceives the parenting and I considered this as well when working with all my families, but sometimes it just seem too much of a wish than reality. 

So tell me do you think that some people just should not have children? And If they do should we as a society remove these children and place them with more "normal" families?

The Birds and the Bees. Equals Eggs Right?

We Agree that this NEVER happened  Right?!

I was having a conversation with one of my children as we walked through the store. He saw a mom and her little baby and the question of "where babies come from?" was asked.
I looked at the child and smile. "Well babies come from eggs"
"Eggs?" the child asked.
"Yes" I responded. "Eggs, all babies come from eggs."
Looking bewildered, "Oh then where are the eggs kept"
" Inside the mother." I answered.
I saw his little wheels turning as he was trying to wonder. " So how does she keep them from spoiling? Since Ma keeps them in the refrigerator at home.."

OK, I then begin trying to explain to the child how the eggs are stored differently for each mother and they only spoil when they aren't fertile.. but then I realized that I had lost him. He then saw a toy he wanted and changed the subject. Darn I missed my chance..I was a too complex with my response..


Now this brought me to think about Sex and how we as a nation, though very sexual open, still don't talk about it to our children as we should. Parents still have to give permission for their children to receive sexual education, but the same children are exposed to sex through television shows, the radio, the neighbor dogs, cats, and other animals, and told about it at school by their peers. Most people believe that the subject need to discussed by the parents, but when talking to the parent most haven't discussed, too afraid to discuss, or do not know where to start. I know most feel that this should be discussed but how and when is the right time?


My opinion is as soon as the child becomes to identify it's body parts and know the different between gender. Why so early you may ask? Well, gender is known by child as early as a few months. The child begin to associated the difference between the genders, the specific duties of each and even the difference in voice as well as smells. No, do I think you should jump into sexual functions for procreation. I am talking about discussing body parts, their basic functions and safety. Sexual ignorance is a gateway to sexual abuse. If the child can not discuss to his or her parent that "the bad person" is touching their penis, vagina, buttocks or any parts that make them feel "funny" then there is a problem. Using nicknames is a NO NO..these pet names are used as cover ups and makes its easier for predators. If a child tells that someone is playing with their Kitty cat or touching their pocketbook is easier to overlook versus using the word vagina. Boys don't have wee wee's, hotdogs, ding dongs or other pet names. They have a penis.


Talk about sex to your children, when they get older tell them what your values are, but be aware. Sometimes our values are not the values of our children. It's what we want for them not what they are going to do. Pregnancy can happens as earlier as 9 years old. I know, that's young, but hey it happens. Was there bad parenting involved? Some would state yes, some would state no. The blame game is too late now as the child is now a young mother and if proper steps were taken it could have been prevented. I see its as parents values were not the child's and protection is always better then none. We place a lot of responsibility on our children to "do the right thing" when we know "doing the right thing" is really hard and sometime nearly impossible for the child.


As a parents. it's our job to provide our children with the proper tools for life- whether that be teachings of abstinence, birth control, a condom (please teach how to put on-no good if they don't know how use), or all of the above. I feel and stated I feel that always having a plan B for your child during this time is safer. So what others think, those "others" will not have to take care of the child and baby or have make a decision to abort.


So talk to your child find out what they know about sex, you maybe surprised what they tell you. They know how little brother or sister got here. And please tell the truth because lying in the beginning lead to lying in the end. So what do you think is the proper age to beginning talking about sex to you child? Is it topic that should be delivered gender specific? (males talk to males, females to females)

Two Faced...Am I?..Nah

Two Face

So are we teaching our children to be two-faced? What's two faced..Well it's like the DC comic character

We have a good side and a bad side but it's determined by a flip of a coin (or more a mere thought) Or more like that we present one way in public but in reality our feelings are completely opposite.

Now I was presented with this situation with one of my kids. The child was with me as we were traveling to a local restaurant. I was making my way over in the turning lane to make my turn (signal clicking an all) when a guy who wanted to turn more than me, cut me off and turned. Now the child (14 years old) look at me and said, "Now that was messed up, you should blow your horn at him and let him know what's up." Now I have a decision to make, react to the jerk or be an example. Now being a male, with a younger male I have to show I'm Alpha male right, protect my rep and let the other driver know I'm not to be messed with. But as a parent I also need to teach this little guy that you don't handle conflict with violence. So "coin flip" I do the right thing and respond " I know this guy was being a real jerk, but it's not so important that I have to make a scene. This can lead to an altercation, police involvement and possible legal actions all for What? Nothing, our time is more important than his so I'll let it pass." Now the young man looked at me bewildered, I smiled,  we parked, went in, and enjoyed our meal.  

 Now I feel that we all have our Two Faced moments and often these show when were are put under a state of duress. And I find this normal. We are faced sometime with situations that you have to turn to the "dark side" and do what's in your best interest..say for survival (sitting in precinct, facing 10 years in prison-question asked who did it-Tell or no-no brainer right?) But then there are times that we choose to be bad and just because it's easier and we don't consider the consequence or who's watching. 

As parents we teach our children to be morally good, to tell the truth always and to face the consequences of our actions regardless if they loose a privilege, get grounded or receive a spanking, but as Adults we do not do the same. Why?

"shrugging shoulders"

Well maybe because we feel that it's in our best interest to act a certain way.."Hey YOU can 't expect me to allow THAT guy to DO that to me right? I have  rep to protect. "

Or maybe that little white lie want hurt anyone..so we tell our significant you look so beautiful in that outfit while thinking.."uh I really don't think you should wear that outside the house."

Regardless of our reasoning, we are teaching our children to be two faced. To protect themselves and if it requires a little white lie or back stab~Hey that's the way it is.  You have to survive in this dog eat dog world~ right? So I ask is it ok to teach our children to be two faced? And If not why? 

C.Y.A (Cover Your A Suga Suga)...the unspoken rule of Teamwork

In my job I have to rely on other's for help as teamwork is the key to success. Well I have come to realize that teamwork is not viewed the same. I recall that coaches yelling during PE when I was in school. "you have to work as a team, or you'll fail. There is no I in team."  and I took this to heart, putting my all in the group activities and functions often sacrificing my self for the team. Then I learned after several times being thrown under the bus, that CYA is part of the teamwork that I wasn't told about.

Now when your rearing your children, you want them to learn to work well together. From setting up play dates, watching them play, forcing them to share their things, and helping them understand the importance of following through on their group projects. But we don't teach them to CYA. Why?  I have determined that because we want our children to believe that people are naturally good and would not do things to harm them when they agree to help them complete a project.  But what we fail to realize that what we are doing is handicapping our children and allowing them to be taken advantage of.

 Is it wrong for individuals to protect themselves from potential career harm? How would you teach your children to CYA?  

Unconditional Love..Hmm I Don't think So

Well Today I dropped by around lunch time (GA time) to read a discussion started by Laura of Finding My Soul Mate Before I Retire held on MckMama  (which I thoroughly enjoyed by the way) entitled It's About Time regarding the treatment of GTL and the treatment there of.  You can read the thread for all the details. However what caught my attention was the use of  phrase Unconditional Love. I understand that there are people that sincerely believe that we can unconditionally love, but I do not. I feel that everyone have a condition to their love. By definition unconditional love is the not conditional limited strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties or attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers or affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interest  as quoted by Merriam-dictionary.  

I feel that all people have a limited or condition to their love. They may feel that they can love regardless, but when presented with certain situations, issues, or problems that unconditional love become conditional. For an example, parents state that they love their children unconditionally, that no matter what their children do they will always love them and this maybe true (according to their perception). However, there are things that our children do that will cause us to question this feeling, to wonder what occurred to challenge their feeling and this is their condition. These feelings usually occur when your core beliefs are truly challenged. Such would you love your children unconditionally if one child killed the other? What if you come upon the fact that one child molested your neighbor's child or your younger child? What if the child was in love with a sex, gender, or race that you don't approve? What if your child decides that your not worth their time anymore and disown you? Would you still love them unconditionally, to accept the child and his/hers decision without second thought? Or would you think about this and rationalize that you still love them but not their behavior?  

What about the unconditional love we suppose to have for our significant. Do we stay or go if the significant cheats (but whatever definition that we decide)? What if the significant brought home an unwanted visitor (child or disease)? And do we continue to love or significant if their physical body changes drastically, not just to big or little what if disabilities strike when your young not old? Do you still love when the person can't love when they can't love like the original agreement?

Even higher beings have condition to their love. Each religion provide a guide for what you have to do to gain favor in the higher beings sight. Yes, some state that your very existence is a proof of the unconditional love, but then state to continue to live in his favor you must follow and worship him (the condition). I'm not saying that this is wrong, I stating that life require conditions as well as love.

We as parents set these conditions when we instill our belief, rules (spoken and unspoken), values in our off spring. These are develop, passed down, and enforces by the conditions society and biology place on us. Unfortunately these conditions can not be avoided and if someone does these individuals are labeled a sinners, psychologically unstable, psychopaths, and social deviants.  

So lets stop fooling ourselves and accept that life have conditions as well as our love. What you think?

You let her go to the store?! Pushing out of the Nest, When is the Right Time?

Its been a few days since I last posted and I'm sorry life have grabbed me by the horns and flipped me over. I upright again and moving on, trotting but doing ok. While struggling to flip back over, I was presented with the question of : When is the right time to push your children out of the nest? This question derived from me allowing my twelve year old daughter and eight year old son, ride their bikes to the store to pick up an item I needed. Hmm.. Now I thought about this one and found it quite difficult to come up with a direct age to kick the child from the nest (home). I feel that this usually requires trial and error and often more error than success. So I decided to tackle the question this way. I believe that the child's readiness for independence is based on the child; however, the preparation for this independence is based on the parents. So you may have a child that ready to be free, but not prepared or a child that not ready for freedom but is prepared for it. Either way this scenario or usually lead to the child free-falling to the ground until it's either saved (self or parent) or splattering (figuratively) when contact is made with the cold hard ground (world). Not the outcome any parent want for their child right? So how can we prevent this? Here are some suggestion



First, we, as parents, must know our children. And I mean really know. If you can't state your child's favorites (and I know they change), what music they like, hobbies and even friends then you don't really know the child. By knowing the interworking of your child, this allows for the correct time for the push them towards independence. If you recall , we start out rearing the child, teaching it how to talk, walk, and even control it's bodily functions (independence). Then when the child's ready you allow for alone time, such as bathing, playing video games, and cell phone. And this increase to allowing social relationships, sleepovers and the dreaded unsupervised dating. But each of those steps leads to independence and provide you a way to gage your child's independence level. If you notice the child is lacking, you provide more opportunities to demonstrate (of course nothing that dangerous ). And when the child is ready, your progress to the next level.



Second, we as parents must always demonstrate our independence as well. The child need to see that we can take care of ourselves. at home, work and within the community. If the child witness your lack of independence than it will learn this and take it as the norm. So stand up for yourself, exert your independence when appropriate and then talk with the child regarding your actions.



Third, lest be honest with ourselves as parent, your children will NEVER be totally independent from you- and that is a good thing. You want your children to always know that they can depend on you as their parents. The relationship between parent an child should graduate to that point. In a successful relationship, that child will understand and respect the parent's role, while feeling a bond that can be described as a friendship. This would have developed during the child's life as the parent slowly let go and allow the child to grow. Allowing for the good and the bad times, (behaviors and all) while supporting the child. Independence will slowly grow until the time will come and you really won't have to push the child, the child will jump and soar away.